When M asked me to go to Breckenridge, Colorado over the 4th of July weekend with him, I jumped at the chance. I spent a big chunk of my childhood out west, I love the mountains! Since he was going for work, all it would cost me was my plane ticket, and incidentals. Car rental and hotel were on the house.I should have known it was a bad idea. Four days in a row with an ex-boyfriend who is still kinda your best friend because gosh, you're not seeing anyone, and well, neither is he... but you've broken up like 4 times already because you're a fucking train wreck together.....................OY!
I don't regret going, so I don't want to make it sound like that. It was beautiful and I love any adventure so it was fun in that sense. It was bad because I was being selfish by going. I know better. M and I have spent some good times together over the past 2+ years, but our tumultuous off-again-on-again, I-hate-you-but-you're-like-family-to-me, I'm-bored-wanna-go-to-dinner, relationship needs to get the final stake it its neck and be buried for good.
It should mean something that we always get along best when we're drinking together. Sad, but true. Sober, we argue like old nags. He's calculated and methodical, slow, and careful. He thinks things through. My mind races a million words a minute, I'm spontaneous, loud (at times), lively, and quick. Bull in a china shop. or....unicorn in a wildflower field. I like to be challenged, surrounded with quick wit and hearty laughter sprinkled with spicy spontaneity. Though differences in a significant other are good if they are complimentary, we just didn't mesh well.
Moment after moment during the trip I found myself frustrated with M, judging him, annoyed by his actions and choices, just being reassured as to why I don't ever want to be his girlfriend. I seriously wondered how he had made it this far in life so far. Ok, in his defense he is a kind-hearted person who deserves someone who can appreciate his style and nuances, not be annoyed by them. I don't have the answers why we can't just get along, but I could write a 300 page book analyzing it.
It's almost humorous how since we work together and live only 2 blocks away from ea other, we've managed to keep slipping back into some form of togetherness. There's that comfortability factor with he and I that is hard to replace (though I'm never really myself around him, there is a familiarity; a comfort level thats just so empty and easy). We've gone weeks, and months without talking, I've even had full-blown other relationships during our break-ups, and then *BAM* its 90 degrees out and my apartment has no A/C, but his does so its "hey, mind if I come over" then its "wanna go to Breckenridge with me" then its "OMG, we're arguing about stupid shit again!" ugh. So unhealthy.
