I am back in the game, dedicated, committed and with no excuses.
Since my last post I've spent alot of time in my head, trying to mentally stoke my fire that it takes to get back into the swing of a healthy lifestyle. I've made some physical preparations too. I got new gym clothes, slowly started to tighten up my eating, and stopped going out to lunch with friends at work. Today is Saturday, and I've just finished making a super-clean egg-white-squash-shallot-arugula-mushroom scramble (amazing!). I'm finishing up my coffee, and decided to blog for a while before hitting the gym for a chest/bicep day plus cardio. It is technically my first full Day One, but I have had so many "Day One" days that I grow weary of making any sort of declaration- almost like a jinx at this point.
As I've stated before, being fittness/bodybuilding oriented tends to make you a bit of a loner, especially when the crowd you've been running with for the last year+ is not of that mind set in the least. Today they are all heading for tailgating (day-drinking) at the Big 10 Pub beginning at 11am. Normally I would have joined them (feeling guity about it, but rationalizing it as a "last big hoorah") but today I am saying no. I've thought a lot about alcohol and the effects is has on the body, and I'd do best not to touch it with a 10 foot pole. I really hate to admit it, but I think my drinking was teetering on the edge of excessive. Some could say it is normal, I'm just a young woman who likes to have a good time, but I know better. I knew I was drinking to take the edge off of the harsh reality that I had skipped yet another workout and ate like crap that day. Healthy, fit people with phsyiques I admire do don't drink hardly at all. The lifestyles just don't go together. Forget about the immediate effects on the body (it coverts to sugar, halts fat loss, and lowers inhibition thus making you likely to eat crap), the next day is always ruined because of it too. Even if you only had a few, you probably didn't pack your gym bag, or get your clean meals together, and even if you did- do you really feel up for a good workout?
One of the (pathetic) excuses I've had this past year of hedonism is that I just didn't know what I would do on the weekend if I didn't go out. Friday and Saturday nights are for going out to the bars. I really like being out and about among people. Although, the more out of shape I got, the less I actually liked going out because I was really feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, and deep down I knew I was making a bad choice. So I've been thinking about what to do to fill the time. I definitely plan on blogging more. It's a great outlet and will help me channel my thoughts and share things I learn along the way. I also want to get back to my true roots as creative soul. I was always crafting and doodling and singing and dancing as a kid, and my life has been lacking any sort of true creative outlet. Sure I have dabbled in painting over the last few years, but only in moments where I feel inspired. I want to learn to knit hats, and make greeting cards, and other artsy crafty things. A sweatshop of love! I could see myself cozy of the couch on a Saturday night this fall/winter, happy from a hard workout, content and satisfied that I've eaten clean and have my clean meals ready for the next day, and working on some sort of busywork project. I can't wait to figure out what I want to do first! Maybe make Christmas cards? That could be cool.
I don't believe in having regrets, and this past year of sedentry hasn't been a complete waste. Along with the promotion I worked really hard and payed off pretty much all of my debt, which is exciting and remarkable in itself. I've also had some interesting times relationship-wise. People who are close to me tease me about the fact that I date all over the board- I don't have a "type" and it's the truth. I don't want to close myself off of any experiences or interesting people just because I have some list of critera he has to meet. So I dated some cool cats. In the end they never worked out, but I wasn't really in a place to have a full blown relationship anyway. It was just another diversion, a time-waster to fill the void caused by not doing what I needed to be doing to take care of myself. Someone who is only functioning at 75% can't really nurture a relationship with another person, so I am currently unaffiliated with anyone, which is exactly where I need to be. I am going to give being completely single a go. I know I have said that before, but I really want to strive to nurture myself and make myself into the kind of lady I admire and know I am.
Some people have told me that I'm too hard on myself. Why is it that I am either living clean and active, or I'm failing? What about balance? To that I say that I know I am happiest when I'm taking care of myself physically. For me, it is tied so closely to my mental well-being and mood. And feeling well and being in a positive mood is what makes for "the good life." I am not saying that I will always self-loathe when I have pizza or dessert or a cocktail, but I have to get where that is the rare treat rather than commonplace in order for me not to feel guilty about it.
Well this has certainly been a long, wordy entry. I am off to the gym and to run errands.
